The Barbican

 I am always frustrated getting a headache when I've not been drinking so getting one last Saturday morning was annoying - but then I sat in the sun in my increasingly beautiful garden and let the cup of tea and cool air sooth it. BigA played an old record and the girls joined us in the sun. It reminded me of Malawi. The girls had been out in central London the night before and A told me about her day while wrapped in blue towels smelling fresh and looking completely fine despite not much sleep. I then spent most of the day in the garden, putting in a bit of colour that I'd got at the sale section in B&Q. Tidied and sat. Then when the sun stopped hitting the garden I set about preparing a meal for my pals who were coming over. I made far too much food. We had a really lovely evening. 

Sunday was a fantastic day, I had signed up to do the beginner programme for roller derby - I was quite nervous. Worried my knees wouldn't let me even get a proper start. I don't recall having any such worries when I very first tried out almost over 10 years ago. I think it was 2013 when I first attempted it. It was amazing, I enjoyed myself so much, the skills we were practicing came back to me quickly, well, to my brain, my body was a little slower at times but I know that I will build up those muscles and get better at my T-stops in no time. My knee hurt a little bit after and but I'm sure that's more about building strength as it wasn't swollen. I wasn't the oldest looking person there either, my new cohort seemed to be late 30s and 40s, and I was delighted to be complimented on my whips. 

The afternoon was a rehearsal with my strange little band, getting ready for the next folk day. I just felt so full of joy at life, able to sing, not to forget but to feel. We are doing a 'mash up' of three songs and I loved adding in harmonies as we went along. 

Everyone else in the family was busy too, the girls at work and BigA off at frisbee. I have decided to try my hand at coaching again. So in order to get a few positive testimonials I emailed a few old colleagues with my offer. My plan is to potentially use some of my Fridays to see if I could make a go of it. It is something I've always enjoyed when I've done it before. 

I didn't think I had many plans for the week - some more DIY and the house has definitely benefitted from my enforced leave. And I am storming ahead in the family chore chart. . It turned out to feel like a very full and busy week. The girls had 3 more strike days in the middle of the week. They used a fair amount of their time to work - keeping up with their studies despite the lack of teaching Monday I took the girls to school and did a Garden centre run to get fertiliser for the apple tree, with choir that evening. Despite the lack of real sun I spent time in the garden, doing my best to enrich the soil and keep on top of the weeds while it still feels possible. And A and M did go into school a couple of times, M had one teacher who is in a different union and A used a full afternoon to do a drama rehearsal for their final performance exam. 

 

The strangest part of the week was going back to Belmont to collect my personal belongings. BigAcame with me and I was really nervous about seeing people. But it was just the Headteacher and a few people I didn't know who didn't come anywhere near my old office. The Head was very kind, she couldn't say everything I think she wanted to, but did acknowledge that I had been caught up in a mess and that she was sorry for the pain we all must have gone through. She was very understanding and when she looked a bit unsure about a hig I freely gave her one. And oddly since then she has contacted me about some stuff at the school, very aware that I don't have to help but she did need to know some stuff. All this very much reassured me that if my name comes up she will not be throwing me under a bus and she is happy to give me a good reference. A little bit of me is now sad that I won't get to help her make the school better, but I know that for now I am best to focus on my next school. Speaking of - I headed into my new school for an afternoon of INSET (school training) on Wednesday. I felt very welcomed again and was seen by the Business manager and one of the people in charge of staff HR things because, as I had explained I am a bit complicated medically. They were very sensitive about me and we agreed that it would be sensible to have an OH assessment, more to reassure them I suspect and to make sure they are covered. Such a contrast to my start at Belmont, where I didn't even get one despite literally having had kidney surgery less than 2 weeks before my start date. The training was interesting but not amazing and I found comfort in my new drama department all having been women who had been in leadership type positions before this. They reassured me that it will all work out. I left feeling a little strange about the next year but also optimistic. 

The weather has been doing that strange thing of beautiful sun one moment and hail, rain and grey the next. I'm happy the garden got a bit of water but annoyed I couldn't sit in it and read my new book by Chimamanda Naozi Adichie. It's good so far. 

I went out with a pal to The Barbican on Thursday evening to see the London Symphony Orchestra, I can't even recall the last time I went to experience a full orchestra and the sound of them tuning up, the small ritual of the first violin role etc brought back wonderful memories from my childhood. I loved the sense of belonging the string orchestra and school orchestras provided and the two of us bemoaned the lack of these experiences for so many children now. The music was a real mix and certainly very entertaining, funny and moving at times. 

 

Yesterday I saw lovely U for a lunchtime walk and talk. I'd spent the morning applying a second coat of paint to the understairs bathroom and a bit of gardening. And that was my week - very full and fun. 

Lots of love

From a very much happier person than the last 5 months, and even though today is one of the sadder ones, I am comforted by how proud I think my brother would have been of me. It's hard not to wonder what he would have been like, what family he may have had to join ours. Mum always encouraged us to think of him as travelling and I expect he would have been somewhere exciting, and this day would not hold any significance. Just a day to enjoy the colour of spring.