I had a quite different week, given that it was a 'normal' school one. I was only at school for 2 or the 5 days. The other a strange mix of events. On Saturday, after the usual house tidy, and both girls at work I headed off to meet up with Jay, Daren's girlfriend. I was a strange sort of nervous about it. I wasn't sure what to take, quite what level of intimacy we might forge given our mutual sadness and love for him and that we'd only ever met once before. She has two children, both kind and nice and keen to know who I was, and I think to see if they needed to protect their mum from all this hurt. And after some memories, getting to know you, Chinese and seeing their bedrooms and their trinkets and favourite things, they settled in front of the TV and Jay and I went through some of Daren's last things. Last letter and the drafts she found. I don't know what I expected but I'm glad I have a copy and I feel a strange honour to be one of the people on his list of who to contact. But I keep wanted to call him and talk about it, because that's what we would have done with everything else. And I would have mockingly scolded him for being so silly and for (on one draft) initially calling me C J, before remembering, hurriedly crossing that out and correctly putting D.
Sunday I did some big thinking, should I apply for the Headship at the school? I swing wildly between - I can do this, I have what it takes to make the a great school where staff and students flourish, and the more bleak - well this place is fucked and I'm better off out of it. The deadline is my dad's birthday. Should I take that as a sign?
I'm not sure how I got through Monday, a knife found tucked into the hedge outside school. Happily a student told a member of staff who told the right people. Our police officer came to get it. We're still trying to get to the bottom of who put it there and why. A reminder of the fragility of them and us. More issues of staff being immature but I got to the end of the day and came home to my loving family, a cooked meal and a jigsaw. Oh but Scruffy keeps bringing in worms. Yuck!
Tuesday was the hardest of them all, Daren's funeral. I'd taken the day off thinking maybe I'd get a lie in. No such luck. It was expectedly strange and hard. I was so pleased BigA and A were with me. The tributes heart felt and the wake ok. I talked to his sisters and other people who knew him through music. Saw lots of pictures of him, some with me. It was hard to be see his 9 year old son, watch him potentially process it all. But I just wanted it to be over and get home and sleep.
We're planning a music tribute night to him in November. I can't do any of our songs, I wouldn't know where to start. But I'm likely to sing with one of his other bands.
Back at work for a day and I had a busy one - some things still very hard to deal with, especially as I was still feeling very raw from the day before and the days to come.
Thursday a training day, in London, which began with me taking the car in for its MOT. Which it happily passed. The training was very useful, the first of a year long course that will, I hope give me tools to help me with my job.
And yesterday I had my second VHL clinic of the year. Only an update on my brain - which looks fine and an eye check up. The new Dr in the team is the brother of a woman I lived with in my first and second year of uni. Small world. Most of the day was sitting and waiting, I began to listen to the songs I might sing. I've never been a The Cure fan but I know them a bit.
Last night I was off to celebrate Phil's 50.
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