in honour of Daren

I'm so very sad to start my this week with bad news. You may recall me mentioning my wonderful friend Daren. I found out this week that he took his own life on Sunday. I tend to write bits of my week as I go along and was tempted to delete everything but I've decided to keep the days before I knew, in, and the ones after in too. Daren never wanted to cause anyone any pain and so I know he must have been overwhelmed by his own. I can confidently say though that he would want us all to do all we can to be happy and to enjoy life. 

Having arrived at the massive and beautiful house the day before our Saturday was to be an adventure day. We, 10 of the 12, set off for a half day canoeing. Health and safety very much in place, and after a fairly long talk on the journey ahead of us (a very sedate route that you could't actually divert from) we all set off in our pairs. Life jackets on, of course, how different from Malawi. The water was very gentle and serene. Lots of ducks, swans and geese sharing the water. BigA at my steerer and me the powerful engine that kept us going! 

We stopped about half way with our packed picnic giving us sustenance for the second half. It was so peaceful and green, reminding me of a chapter in a book about forest baths - the importance of being soaked in nature. No one was soaked by the water. A did get a bit wet but no one fell in. It was joyous to see her and her cousin get on so well and speed along without any trouble. 

The evening involved a bit of hot tub and a very well made curry - Jacob impressing us all with his culinary skills. (we didn't eat it in the hottub) We chatted by the open fire and a bit later A and I happily beat Dick and Maggie at pool. It was close and much better than my attempt at table football where I was truly useless. 

For the next morning's entertainment a few of us set off down small roads, luckily not stuck behind the caravan that really shouldn't have attempted that road and arrived at Puzzle Wood. It is a rather magical feeling place with lush green moss covering rocks with small stone statues placed around to delight children and a few adults. The path was very set which was a bit of a shame as it didn't feel like you were discovering anything. But it was cool and had the potential to feel mysterious. Back at the house for a generous lunch and then again a group of us went to see if we could cross the river by foot. It was fun to try, but once up to my waist I was no match for the speed and volume of the water BigA was a little more stable and happily prevented me losing my footing, and I turned back. A few more attempts by BigA, his mum and his brother but in the end we turned back to walk to the ferry. Arriving at the ferry reminded me of those trips as a child from Gorleston to Great Yarmouth with my dad to go into his school in the holidays. That boat was much smaller than the ones at the river we were on. Pulled across rather than the small motor I think must have propelled the ones of my childhood. 

The next morning we packed up but took another short trip to a look out point. The vast valley stretching out and then a treat of a hot chocolate for A and a veggie breakfast roll for BigA and a bacon roll for the meat eaters that were in our car journey home. As always BigA stepped up to do the long drive. I do always appreciate this. We dropped off Debbie and Dan and then went home for me to do a chilli and to check on my garden. I resolved to do a good weeding session the next day and to see what I could salvage from the herb box that the bloody foxes had dug up - again. 

We arrived in Gorleston on Tuesday, with a cup of tea in hand and a pile of birthday presents from my mum. Sitting in her garden enjoying some sun, a short walk to and from the beech and then a very cheesy macaroni for tea - perfect. The next day I'd decided we were going to take A to The UEA. We mainly went to go to the art gallery there - the Sainsbury's Centre. My mum and dad went to the opening when she was pregnant with me. I remember my dad taking me when I was younger and it was lovely to wander around with my daughter. We took a stroll through campus - BigA working out where his room had been, the kitchen looked no different. My halls of residence were knocked down some years ago, but we did go into the foyer of the theatre that I spent most of my 3 years in. 

It was just at the end of a nutritious and very nice meal that I got the message from Jay, Daren's girlfriend, I knew when I saw the words 'can I call you?' it wasn't going to be news I wanted to hear. The tone and phrase, and that he hadn't replied to my two days of - good mornings. I had advised BidA on a similar opening text when he had to tell our friends Hannah and Nick that their cat had been killed. 

How else do you do it. I feel so much for her, I was on a list he'd left of people to tell. I had only been saying the night before that I needed to find a way to find out if he was ok, the 2 days silence had worried me. And then she called. We both knew what had to be said. Out loud. And so my week changed, my life too. My guitarist. My Daren with one r. 

The advantage of being home was that I got to tell my mum to her face and get all the cuddles and love from her, my little family and my sister and her lot. We spent a lovely evening at my sisters, eating loads, drinking and remembering to enjoy life. A few tears of course, as I have been doing in the days since. It's hit A hard, someone she knew all her life and she knew how much he meant to me. My mum dug out my dad's old cameras and we found some pictures of my niece on her last day of school and some of us in our garden in the snow. Lovely to see these memories. 

The next day I got my hair cut, I love it and as it was done by a friend of the family, I felt very safe there, knowing if I was struggling she would quickly understand. I let myself enjoy it. Loving the feeling of lightness. Back for a quick lunch and then we went to see my eldest niece. Now a married woman. We talked as easily as we always do and I marvelled at how tidy their home is, 4 children and not a thing out of place. Very impressive. Back to Gorleston and a meal out. 

Friday was a day when I had decided to catch up on some work emails and was able to sit and do a little writing about Daren. It's one of my ways to grieve. I am quite experienced at it, I wrote some things I needed to, ones that were circling my mind. At some point I might try and write something for his son. Too young to appreciate them at the moment, too soon too. But I know how I have clasped onto memories other people have of my brother, times I couldn't have known about him, finding a way to keep him present. I'll get pictures too when I get home and keep those safe for him. 

Our day was a simple one, dog walk in the rain, stroll down the high street and Mum and I had booked in a pedicure for the evening. Then fish and chips, a bit of TV and bed. A went out with her cousin and BigA headed off to TK Max.

Today we don't really have much planned for the morning but expect a messy recollection of the afternoon of pims with my sister in next weeks email! 

In a very sad week I wish you a huge amount of love and a reminder that I am so very happy you are all in my life. I hope ach person who gets this email knows that.